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A lover of life and your biggest cheerleader!

Life is what you create it to be and I, my friends have created my best life. But, I'm not done, not even close. Daily expansion and empowering others is my absolute jam!

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The fight with self~criticism....again!

Written by drBfox on July 28th, 2022
Here I go....a-freaking-gain. Just a few days ago I had a branding photo shoot with intention of one of the new pictures being 'perfect' for my book cover (Yes! B Undefined, the book is in the final stages before publishing....eeeek!).

In my current life I've mostly mastered checking in with my Higher Self to 'know'
(yes / no) if I should do / say something. This literally goes from how much coffee I drink in a day to what I wear to whether or not I eat something or say something. I pretty much live in yes / no land and that is how I make decisions, trusting my gut.

The photo shoot was actually a very last minute thing for an updated picture. I had a picture from last year picked out but since it has taken me a year to finally get to this stage with the book (that is for a whole-nother blog post) it was brought to my attention that I am no longer the same person, so although the picture from last year is beautiful, it represented me then, not now. So new pics it was. I planted the seed in the Universe and waited and it delivered a last minute Hey guys! Session with Ampersand right here in my home town. Being that it was last minute, I didn't prep for a specific outfit or anyone doing my makeup. I showed up with blouses I already owned, makeup & hair I do myself and I was simply going to be the best, most radiant version of me.

Cut to, my nails are two weeks grown out. My hair is 5 days shy of my next appointment, hashtag gray roots and scraggly ends, but I checked in with the Higher Self and she said, "girl, go rock it, this is you". Trustingly I showed up having done some light work and meditation that morning. The only difference was I used a smaller barrel curling iron to make the curls a slight bit tighter so they would last, otherwise, this is ME. All of me, in real time.

And I freaked out....
Internally, I shrank. I felt grrrreeat during the shoot. Loved my innner me, knowing that I am full of love and light. It felt great. At some level, the outfit and my hair and make up really didn't matter.

But, then my old patterned thinking crept back in at full speed and still 2 freaking days later I am working to transform her.

The minute the shoot was over and I scrolled the photos with the editor for the ones i 'loved' or said I did at least and any editing needs, I crashed and burned mentally.

"I should have done my hair different, my smile is too big in that photo, my arms aren't skinny enough (I wore a sleeve-less blouse), I should have gone shopping for a better outfit, I should have, I am not, I look........" You name it, alllllll the things have been flooding in and taking up space and energy and ugh, freaking exhausting me.

The next day I pushed snooze! (I never push snooze), laid low, didn't work out, and said all the terrible things to myself about my appearance.

It is bonkers! I used to 'think' this way and talk to myself in this self-defeating way all the time. All the time. I have done a lot of work to reprogram and to overcome yet here I am in the moment of today and I am rehashing this beast once again.

I will say the difference today vs then is. I know what I am doing. I have the tools and resources to stop it quicker and take the fork in the road the other way. I have the strength to know I'm full of shit, but really, I have the awareness to observe, reflect, and shift. So, as I sit here writing to you, I want you to know the relapse happens to all of us. The fall back is a thing. Occasionally the subconscious comes up fighting and temporarily wins.

But, today, now, with having done the work. I am moving through this faster than ever before and I am learning and expanding.

Cheers to experiences that give us growth.

Much love~ drBfox

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