Oh, yes, we are going there, right off the bat my friends. It is true. I did. I'm not sure I would have said 'that' then but looking back, dang, slap me right across the face will ya.

I can recall it like it was yesterday. The deep desires to 'look like a super model', to 'perform athletically like a pro' and to ensure the grades were undeniably a reflection of my hard work and brain power. These deep desires comboed (wait, is that a word?) with my need to please and my well, let's just call it, low self-esteem for lack of better words proved to be a ticking time bomb for me.

It was late Junior year in high school. College scouts were coming to all the soccer tournies and games and prepping to make offers. I wasn't the fastest nor was I the thinnest, but I was likely the most aggressive and don't give a shitest🤭. Maybe the endured trauma fueled this (stress release baby!) or maybe it was simply innate.

Regardless, I wanted to be the best, perform the best, do the best, and, duh, look the best so I stopped eating and started running. Yup, 10 saltines and 32 ounces of water for breakfast was pure discipline. Lunch, well, skipped that and drank water. Then, dinner after a 2 hour soccer practice had to wait until I returned home from running an additional 4 miles.

Some 30+ pounds less later and many eyes on me, I was running faster, looked perceivably 'better', but couldn't finish a 90 minute game with full power, oops.

Apparently I was so wrapped up in my mind about how I looked, I forgot that food could be fuel. I say could be because what you feed yourself with does matter. I think the saying goes something like Food is either thy medicine or thy poison.

I ventured on to college, playing D1 and coincidentally paired with a roommate who had a plethora 'of issues' that made mine look virtually non-existent. Our close proximity and my hurdles to jump, like I said, all eyes were on me, lead to attempts at keeping my weight down while being 'forced' to eat.

A never ending internal battle to eat (for fuel and because I was being watched) to maintaining control and my weight at the lower number. Looking back, I realize how it truly consumed me.

This internal battle carried on for years, my friends, years. It accompanied me through my Semi-pro years, a short attempt at figure competitions, my partying days, my pregnancy and early post partum years.

It wasn't UNTIL 2019 that everything shifted for me. It was this moment in the garage gym pushing some weight with my amazing hubs that it hit me. My 5 year old son and husband were present and as I am finishing up a set of squats I heard myself say, what I thought was under my breath, but was loud enough for them to hear was "If only I was skinnier then...." Gasp! In that moment, two things crossed my mind: how am I supposed to expect my husband to love me if I don't love myself (all of me folks) and, two, would I want my child to say these things about himself, thus, what kind of example am I being for him?

I had done EMDR in the past and it beautifully worked, along with other modalities, to help me navigate my feelings and emotions around rape. I immediately called up my girl, Kama Hurley @ Kama Consulting and scheduled an appointment. Here, in her office, I worked through my underlying beliefs, the old patterns that no longer served me and definitely didn't align with who I am or want to be for myself, my family, and others. So, that day, I decided to make a change. I decided to love myself. To love allllllllllll of myself. This isn't just what I see in the mirror. This includes loving the past me, the present me, the future me. This is loving the woman who has made mistakes, said the wrong thing, acted in ways that didn't serve my highest good. This includes the woman who has persisted, remained tenacious through it all, worked to heal and overcome. This, my friends, includes the woman I am today!

Much love~ drBfox